FYI: More on Friendship

Click this Link: "A Thousand BFFs Just May Be a Few Hundred Too Many..."

FYI: C.S. Lewis on Love

Love and Commitment C.S. Lewis, in "Mere Christianity"

The idea that "being in love" is the only reason for remaining married really leaves no room for marriage as a contract or promise at all. If love is the whole thing, then the promise can add nothing; and if it adds nothing, then it should not be made. The curious thing is that lovers themselves, while they remain really in love, know this better than those who talk about love. As Chesterton pointed out, those who are in love have a natural inclination to bind themselves by promises. Love songs all over the world are full of vows of eternal constancy. [This] law is not forcing upon the passion of love something which is foreign to that passion's own nature; it is demanding that lovers should take seriously something which their passion of itself impels them to do.

And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits one to being true even if I cease to be in love (emphasis added). A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way (emphasis added).

Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called "being in love" usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending "They lived happily ever after" is taken to mean "They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married," then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

But, of course, ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense--love as distinct from "being in love"--is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by the grace which both ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be "in love" with someone else.

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise""

FYI: Helen Fisher Speaks About Love

FYI: A Brief History of Love

A Brief History of Love!

FYI: Guy and Girl Friend Differences

More on gender differences in friendships

Guys Under the Hood

FYI: Epidemic of Loneliness?

Article examines the need for social contact, emotionally and physically.

Epidemic of Loneliness

click above

FYI: Just Friends?

Just Friends?

click above

Article discusses the complexities of friends becoming romantically involved

Study Guide Chapters 9-12

Here's some areas to study carefully for the test upcoming on Chapters 9-12. This listing is not all inclusive, but is intended to give you an idea of how well you know the material now. If some or all the questions make no sense, you need to continue to carefully review the material. Caution: this is not a list of questions on the test!

Don't forget to use the study tools in your textbook and at your textbook web site, too!

Review your notes, especially for material not in the book, but on the class web site or part of class discussions.

Studying as part of a small group helps, even if it's just 2 persons.

Chapter 9 Communicating Effectively

Basics

• Key components of communication
• Encoding/decoding: who does what?
• What interferes with processing?
• Content and relationship factors (power and status)
• Transactional nature: what does that mean? quick bursts or ongoing communication?
• Example of context of communication?

Verbal Communication

• Speaking
• Denotation (objective) and connotation (subjective)
• Consider the audience; problems with the abstract
• Simplicity rules
• Verbal and non-verbal consistency
• Listening
• Hearing vs. listening: what is difference? When does learning occur?
• 5 key strategies for better listening
• Self-Disclosure
• What 4 aspects of SD does the Johari Window show?
• Gender differences
• Importance of trust
• Timing in relationship: relevance?
• 5 Strategies for Increasing Self-disclosure
• Conflict
• 4 ways we deal with conflict
• 6 Ways to Become More Assertive
• Trends in Western countries
• Gender and Verbal Communication
• Rapport vs. Report Talk: Opposites
• Gender differences
• Barriers
• Judging
• Proposing/Pushing Solutions (non-collaborative)
• Avoiding Other's Concerns
• "...speaking of"
• One-upping
• 5 Strategies for Good Verbal Communication

Non-Verbal Communication

• Characteristics
• Ambiguous often
• Hard to hide
• "The truth will out..."
• Non-verbal leakage
• 6 ways to detect
• Clusters of non-verbal; may conflict w/ verbal
• Cultural differences
• Gender differences in non-verbal communication

• Body Communication
• Gestures: motion of limbs or body
• Facial: cultural differences
• Eye communication
• 4 Functions
• Touch
• Expresses ____________________?
• Status and power aspects
• Gender differences
• Spatial (Proxemics)
• 4 distance categories and differences
• Power and status conveyed
• Who has more space and privacy? Why?
• SSSHHHHHHH!
• Is silence comfortable to everyone? Why not?
• What does a good listener do  with silence?
• Types and examples of paralanguage
• How can you convey different meaning through various elements of paralangauge for the simple sentence "My dog has fleas"? (Try with examples in Fig. 10.9)

Chapter 10 Making and Keeping Friends

• Intro
• More contacts, fewer close friends
• Friends now based on shared interests/pleasures/satisfactions
• Search for closeness; possibility of loneliness greater
• Expectations exceed understanding of what is involved
• Both types of friends needed
• First Impressions
• Durable
• Based on sketchy information
• Negative given more weight; mistakes viewed as "intentional"
• Also, first impressions involve social comparisons
• Components
• Attractiveness
• Attractive people viewed as "better"
• Certain physical attributes. Which ones?
• American perspectives on who is "attractive"
• Ethnocentrism a factor
• "Settle" for what type of person (as far as appearance)?
• Handicapped persons are attractive, in spite of your book's claims, even though they are "different" from the rest of us.
• Reputations
• Similarity
• Personality aspects: similarities and complementary aspects
• Propinquity-Closeness
• Get to know subtle aspects: the  little things
• Interaction linked to liking (kind of obvious, yes?)
• Non-verbal
• 'You remind me of............."
• Gazers vs avoiders
• Verbal-paralanguage
• Mistaken Impressions
• False consensus
• Signs of status? Real?
• Stereotypes: a natural tendency
• "Devil' or "halo" effect
• Fundamental attribution
• Shyness
• What is it?
• What % of Americans say they have a problem with shyness (as opposed to social phobia or social anxiety disorder)?
• Similar across cultures
• 3 basic types
• What % of population has the more extreme form?
• Why does our culture "shun" persons who may be shy? Why?
• Is it genetic? Learned?
• 5 steps to manage shyness
• Keeping Friends
• Extraordinary value of friendships: name some great aspects
• "A friend in need is a friend indeed": significance of this well-known phrase
• Self-Disclosure
• Health benefits: what are they?
• Some situations of SD can backfire. When?
• High self-esteem helps
• Gender differences: describe some
• Same Sex-Opposite Sex Friends
• Intimacy among women
• Also tensions, jealousies, rejection
• Men: dominance, property money
• Sex a factor between sexes
• Who benefits more from opposite sex friendships?
• Motives (6) why people want to "keep it platonic"
• Staying friends
• Trust!
• Life transitions cause break-up of friendships: name some transitions that might cause a friendship to wither
• We're trusting less overall: why is that?
• Loneliness
• Quality and quantity is lower than desired
• Health linkage
• Duration, not intensity, key
• Declines over time
• What parental situation causes serious loneliness in some
• 4 aspects of EI (Emotional Intelligence)
• Our focus (obsession) with self-fulfillment....good or bad?
• Lonely persons exaggerate internal, diminish external as a cause of loneliness

Chapter 11 Love and Commitment

• The Ingredients of Love
• Friendship/Love overlap: where?
• Differences w/friendships
• Theories of Love
• Hatfields conclusions: passionate and companionate love
• What conditions to qualify for falling "madly" in love?
• Sternberg's "Triangle of Love": so what are the 3 components, he says?
• Cultural variations: where do people come from who place love on a "pedestal"?
• Attachment styles (3)
• "Apple doesn't fall far from the tree": what does this refer to with styles of relationships?
• Male vs. Female differences?
• Commitment
• Cohabitation: define
• General characteristics (demographics)
• What is the "cohabitation effect"?
• What are definitional features of "battering abuse"
• Are they confined to one particular group of persons in terms of social, ethnic or economic factors?
• Marriage-legal union
• What is a common law marriage?
• Is gay marriage legal?
• Do Americans support gay unions? marriages? raising children in a gay marriage?
• Are people waiting longer to marry? Why?
• Are marriages between older people likely to last longer?
• What is meant by "voluntary marriage"?
• What shift in form of love occurs later in a marriage?
• Various aspects of negative and positive aspects of interaction in a marriage, esp. Gottman, Fincham, Kalmijn studies?
• What does 5:1 refer to?
• What's "consummate" love?
• Various aspects of adustments to sharing, communication and conflict
• Are marriages more egalitarian?
• What about perceptions of inequity in household chores?
• Issues with multiple roles.
• Several approaches to solve above problems
• Dynamics of sex itself
• Frequency or quality?
• Age factors
• Double standard of heterosexual sex: what is it exactly? Is the frequency of affairs becoming equal for men and women?
• What factors are more likely to lead a person to engage in extramarital affairs?
• Divorce
• Who initiates a divorce?
• Who makes more plans to divorce
• Who is more likely to follow through with a divorce?
• Who is more likely to talk with friends re: possible divorce?
• Who thinks more about it before actually getting a divorce ? (see a pattern here?)
• Est. time to recover?
• Single Parent Families and Remarriages
• Does divorce make children more vulnerable to psychological stress and depression?
• Does remarriage cause stress
• Is there some relationship between a single Mom and potential for economic hardship? What is statistical increase in likelihood of poverty  for kids for single-parent kids vs. married couple family?
• What is likelihood of success for a remarriage vs. first marriage?
• Are adolescents a source of difficulty in the success of remarriage?

Chapter 12 Sexuality

• What are some of the changing views of sexuality, including some of the gender stereotypes regarding sex drive?
• What does androgynous mean?
• Where does more than half of the pleasure of the sexual response come from?
• Are most partners comfortable talking about sex? How come?
• What are some important thins to consider re: sexual communication with a partner?
• What does John Gottman say regarding four (4) destructive patterns of sexual communication?
• Why is knowing your partner's sexual history important?
• Can you name and decribe the five ( 5) stages of the sexual response cycle?
• What does "refractory" refer to?
• What are some of the differences in the male and female sexual responses?
• What does "skimmmig" refer to re: orgasms?
• What are some of the various sexual orientations? How has our government responded (or not responded)?
• Who are homophobic?
• Do you know the difference between romantic and companioate love? Consummate love: what is that?
• Sometimes there are persistent problems with engaging in sexual activities. What are some of these problems for men and women?
• Where does the burden of birth control decision-making fall? On whom?
• Do you know the basic dfferences between all the STDs?
• How prevalent is sexual victimization in the United Stes? what form does it take?
• Who is often the perpetrator of abuse against children? What is in their history that may be a factor in their becoing abusers?
• Who are often the victims of child pornography?
• What is "force" in the case of date rape as experienced by women or men
• How long due the effects of rape last in rape victims?

FYI: Tony Reiman on the Power of Body Language

Some thoughts on verbal and non-verbal communication by a popular expert.

Feel free to post your thoughts on whether she's making sense.......or no.

Assignment # 5m BBC Smile Test

Here's a quick mini assignment for you to try. Just takes a few minutes. Read this brief  news article on fake smiles, then take the smile test below.

Can you spot the fake smiles from the real ones?
See what your score means! Post your thoughts here by next Thursday on the article and the accuracy of the test results for you.

BBC Smile Test

Your Research and Oral Report Topics

Your Research Report Topics

Report Due April 4

5 points off per day for late submittals
Double check below for any errors

• Besin-Why Living in Today's Society is Harmful to Your Health
• George-Childhood Abuse and What Are It's Effects Later in Life
• Danielle-Are Drugs Always the Answer to Mental Disease?
• Retu-Homosexuality: Behaviors,Equality
• Ricky-Is Pain Mental or Physical?
• Chris-Videogame Addiction in Children/Teens
• Travis-Being Gay in America: Persecution or Acceptable?
• Sarah-Freud's Stages of Psychosexual Development
• Alyssa-Why Partners Have Problems With Sex in Their Relationships: Main Causes
• Bradley-How Others See Me and How Does That Affect My Personality
• Courtney-American Culture and the Toll It Has Taken On Our Happiness
• Simone-Birth Order Theories: They Make Sense In My Family
• Steve: Long-Term Stress Impacts of 911: Resident Hardiness
• Carly-Why Dr. Phil Is So Successful
• Brian-Codependency-What Is It and What To Do About It
• Emily-Death, Dying, Grieving
• Mark-Groupthink Pressures
• Ronderica-What Causes Obesity? Is There a Cure?
• Amber-How My Friends Help Me Cope With Stress
• Eric-Prejudice and Discrimination: What Do They Mean; How Are They Related: Some Examples
• Sarah-Can Someone Have An Addictive Personality, Resulting In Becoming A Drug Addict?
• Kathy-Alzheimers Disease
• Donte-What is the Cause of Obesity? Is There a Cure?
• Justin-Codependency
• Nick-The Pros and Cons of Prescription Drugs
• Deveney-Marital Infidelity
• Ian-Why Living in Today's World Can Be Harmful To Your Health

Missing Topics: Keri, , Dillon, Ian, Jacob, Aaynakaye, Kaitlynn, Krystale
Avoid Plagiarism, a violation of the Student Code of Conduct. Punishments include dismissal

Your Oral Report Topics

• Justin and Nick-Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder
• Brian and Kathy-Panic Attacks
• Sarah and Sarah-Changing Attitudes Towards Homosexuality in America: Trends
• Besin and Emily-What Is the Cause of Obesity?
• George and Ricky-Is Pain Mental or Physical; How Can Some People Not Feel Pain? Why Do Some People Love It?
• Deveney and Retu-Differences in Male vs. Female Socialization
• Chris and Travis-Behavioral Patterns of Young Adults and Children Who Subjugate Themselves to Video Games
• Alyssa and Danielle-Schizophrenic Disorders
• Bradley and Ian-How My Friends Help Me Cope with Stress
• Simone, Donte, and Steven-Borderline Personality: What Is It and Its Characteristics?
• Carly and Ronderica-What Causes Someone to be Insane?
• Courtney and Mark-Why Do People Cling to Religion?
• Eric and Amber-What Is Marital Cheating?

Missing Topics and Partners: Keri, Dillon, Aayankake, Krystale, Kaitlynn, Jacob

Assignment #5 Monique

Read the following excerpt by Emily Bazelon, an author of a new book on Bullying I learned about today.

Stick and Stones

1/ What do you think of Monique's experience? What should the school have done?

2/ What experiences have you encountered with bullying?

Post your replies by next Tuesday.

Extra Credit Assignment Detail

Click to Enlarge!

Attend or participate in one of the following before the end of the semester, and receive 8 extra points on your quiz average.

A/ An Alcolohics Anonymous meeting, or

B/ A Laughing Club meeting at the Cuyahoga Falls Library

C/ A campus or community self-help or mental health advocacy group


For either choice, write a journal article of your visit or participation, describing what happened while you were there (at least one page). What was the purpose of the meeting/organization? Who else was there (in general...no names)? What was done at the meeting? Who led the meeting or effort (I don't need his/her name, just whether there was a leader)? From your perspective, was the meeting successful? Were you eventually comfortable at the meeting? Are you going to continue to be a participant? Any other thoughts?

A/ If you visit an AA meeting, go to the web site below to select a meeting. Remember, some are open, some are closed to the public. Go only to an open meeting.

Meeting locations

B/ For the Laughing Club:

Cuyahoga Falls Public Library
Saturdays 10:00AM
2015 Third Street Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio 44221
Questions? Call Carol Bailey-Floyd at 330-836-4456

C/ For Community Self-Help Groups, UA has many opportunities available for students. One example is the Active Minds Chapter at the Department of Psychology here on campus. You can check out their activities at UA Active Minds.. Many other community service and self-help opportunities exist on campus and in your community. See me if you have any questions about your choice.

Group meetings like the AA form of meeting are discussed in Chapter 2 as a type of Psychodynamic therapy.

Laughter as a healthy response we make to our stressful lives as we discussed in class.

Altruism, or helping others, is discussed in Chapter 8 as a positive form of social interaction


Assignment is due anytime from now to your final exam.

Good luck and enjoy your assignment.